- Aggressive finger-banging.
You know when you can’t wait to graduate high school because you know better sex must be out there and then you’re in your 20s and guys are still acting like their finger is the world smallest penis? Yeah, that.
I do not know who started this, but I do know that they were definitely cursed by witches to be alone forever for perpetuating the idea that anyone likes this. It hurts, it’s awkward, it doesn’t stimulate nipples, why, why, why.
My friends swear this is a thing but I’m pretty sure it’s just two people saying, “Ow, you’re on my leg. No, move up. No, the other way. OK, that’s better. Oh, wait, no, it’s not.” Which is not really my idea of a cool time. Also, like anyone’s really going to come while looking at a butthole.
I never blame women for doing this because we’re all told to make the guy think he’s a real champ just for trying, but no. You are not. Try again until you get it right. And women, don’t fake, even if you just want it to end. You can always be like, “Um, no.”
- Missionary as the standard position.
It is almost impossible for women to get off in this position, so why are we all hopping into it every single time like, “Oh, this time it will be great for everyone involved!”
- Not making absolutely 100 percent sure the person wants to have sex.
You know what’s not that hard? Asking someone if they want to have sex and waiting for a clear “Yes, I do.” You know what doesn’t happen very often? That.
- Jackhammer sex.
Many women have been scarred from this and also, jackhammer anything during sex is like someone yelling at you with their penis. Calm down.
- Condomless sex.
Oh, cool idea. Let’s definitely become susceptible to pregnancy or STDs just because it feels slightly better for you!
- Using spit as lube.
It is not lube. It is not lube. It is not lube. If anything, it makes us even drier and also, watching you spit on your hand looks like you’re making a pact with my vagina at summer camp.
- Having sex while standing up.
Has anyone ever successfully done this without falling over or realizing you’re less flexible than you thought or wondering how other people do this because it doesn’t even make sense? No? Then let’s all stop trying.
Sex in water.
There’s a reason Tai in Clueless asked her friends if they’d ever done it in water: so she could refer them all to a therapist for the humiliation, awkwardness, and infections that soon follow. Also, when did water become synonymous with lube since it is actually the opposite of lube?
Rubbing your clit like it’s a scratch-off lotto ticket.
This is not whack-a-mole and we are not at a carnival (even if we are at a carnival, which I can understand why we would be because that’s kind of a strange and cool hook-up spot, seriously, that doesn’t feel good at all.)
Sex ending as soon as the guy has an orgasm.